Senior Year Blues

Well I've reached that time. I am now a senior in college and I stay wondering what my life is going to look like.

What am I going to do?

Is it what God wants?

I am not going to live in the US forever, right?

How do I go to Medical school and have a fun social life? Those two are impossible together obviously.

Or, am I even going to Medical school? Am I ever going to finish undergrad? Nursing? Chicago?

Then it dawned on me...how dare society think that at 18 years old I should know what I want to do in life. I wasn't even old enough to enjoy the awful taste of Vodka! Even though some of my friends and family baffle at the fact that I don't know what I want to do in life, I know they are in just as much doubt as I am. I'm just the one who openly admits it. I don't work that hard to save face.

I'm that person that looks at everything and says, "Go for it!" The problem with that is I don't know when to stop. The line between dreams and reality has become very blurred. I see potential and I work with what I got. This is a good thing, most times. It can be tiring, but I love living it. But it's a damper when it comes to decision making.

A doctor? Go for it!

A teacher? Go for it!

A anthropologist? Go for it!

I can't be all of it...so to which do I invest?

I've talked to many of my Christian leaders and they all say the same thing, and they are right. As long as I'm living a life that glorifies God, I'm living out my calling. And I'm sure what it looks like depend on me. But as you can tell, I have many dreams. It all boils down to helping people and understanding them better and hopefully it will end in God being praised.

Meh. I do know one thing. I hate dragging this on!

I'm the best at being me.

I have lived in 5 vastly different places in my life- North Carolina, Guam,  Waco, Texas, Mexico, and Africa.  The time spent in these places vary from 1 month to 16 years.

Memories from these places get filed and then sometimes I let them loose. I take each file and throw it up in the space of my mind for all of them to be mixed and jumbled and let my mind melt in the details and re-sort everything. In this time of re-sorting I try to remember the smell of my grandma's hair, my first bike that I rode in circles over and over again, the pig on the wheel, my reaction to the word "yonder", eating at Gospel Cafe with the homeless, looking around the room and seeing so many colors of people, Pumzele teaching me my first Sutu word. I try to remember any and every characteristic of those people I will never let myself forget.

Sometimes I  feel like I'm living a double life. There is the me that goes to college, works in the library, goes out to eat and dresses up for events with friends, and enjoys a life of choices. Then there is the me who is a missionary for Christ, lives out a backpack, plays in the dirt with the materially poor kids, constantly thinks about the injustices in the world, and loves a basic life. I have tried to smush the two together, but it doesn't fit...and I honestly don't think I want them to. 

I love to let my mind wonder around the thoughts of those people, those great adventures, those irreplaceable experiences. Then when I think, "Finally, I have went on the adventure and met wonderful people, now it's time to be content where I am at." that's when things start to become muddled. I start to process every taste, smell, and exhilarating moment that has happened in that past 21 years. After a while, it no longer makes sense to stay, but only to go. Every new place, person, or whatever chips away the life I thought was going to be mind-the life I planned for myself. 

When I go, I am free. This is how I make sense of my life, not by going to college for a degree and then living a mediocre lifestyle, but by investing time and love into these people I re-sort my mind for. I will only be content doing this. Why? Because this is how God made me.

Back and missing all that black

Listening to "Clumsy Card House" by Blue October

I'm back at school. I have let myself fall into old patterns. Being in Africa has taught me so much. Since I have been back I have glazed over my experience with a top heavy coat of Americanism. I don't why.

Maybe because Africa was so inconvenient?

Maybe because the whole month I felt out of place on my World Race group?

Maybe I'm just making up excuses for seeking comfort in materials and not God.

There was something about life in South Africa that has caused me to see that life is life everywhere. Sounds simple right? I have tried to live a "sweat-free" life (not buying clothes that were made in sweatshops, which is almost everything) by shopping at thrift stores where the proceeds go to the community.

When I got back the first thing I wanted to do was shop at a retail store. And I did. Again, I don't know why. All I know is now I feel sick about it.

I have grown a respect for missions in the United States. I repeatedly refuted the idea of missions in the States. I thought it was an excuse for people to stay in middle class comfort, and it is for some people. But one of the volunteers at the Beam Africa drop center asked, "Why do you come all the way across the World to do a mission trip?"

Jesus said, "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

While we are all called to minister to the poor, widow, and orphans, we also need to minister the rich. It sounds pretty much impossible for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.

While I'm here in school, I can see myself staying in the States longer for going to Med school. However, it's still in the air. I'm not in no hurry nor really care to go on the World Race. I hate how short term the mission trips are. I'd rather invest a year in one country than travel to 11 countries spending a month in each.

Even though I'm ok with doing missions in the U.S. because the people here are just as broken as in Africa,

I miss all those little faces.

I miss hearing my name being pronounced, "Tah-ne-sha".

I miss the simpleness of life. 

I miss seeing the beautiful squatter camps.

I miss hearing Sutu and Aafricans.

I miss hearing the kids laughter and quizzical stares when they hear me speak Spanish.

I miss Mike and Jeanine, the awesome missionaries from Colorado.

I miss the "kitchen ladies" San Maria and Margaret.

I miss Carmen, our crazy-awesome housemate.

I miss Sandra and how she taught me how to cut a whole chicken. I miss her precious son Amu and nephew Katlego.

I miss Kele buh hele, Blessing, Lebo, both Siya's, Simon, Fortune, Pumzele, Beyonce, Marthati, girl Katlego, Shaunalee, Shaunaday, Leafy, Ishmael, and plenty of other fantastic kids.

I'm tired of falling in love with these people, leaving, and then some how fitting myself back into American society.

I know this blog is jumping everywhere, but this is what my mind is doing. This is what I have been physically doing since my first mission trip in 2010. While I'm not tired of jumping, I wish I can go back to Africa and jump with all those kids.

My life is measured by love. I don't want to keep all that love to myself and let my head grow big. I want to invest that love. As someone once put it, I don't want to change the world. I just want to change the world for one person at a time.

Chillaxed to the max...(Blog from Africa)

So it's day eight on the World Race exposure. Four and  a half of those days were spent traveling. Hopefully, we will be starting ministry tomorrow. I did get to go to the Center and play with  the kids for a couple of hours and had lunch with them a couple of days ago. But so far we have had so much down time. 

I know the World Racers need this break becasue they are in month seven, but I am here for one month. One month to pour in and be poured into. One month to love the people I come  into contact with. Now, less than 20 days.   I didn't fly across the world to relax and sit here doing nothing I think I get enough of  that at home! 

God is still whispering in my ear PATIENCE. I knew I shouldn't have prayed for it ;).

I was excited to go home and tell people how I witnessed all the amazing things that God  did while I was in Africa, and how well God used me, and how I'll never be the same, and think that no one will ever understand  and how I'll be jacked up on the Holy Spirit. 

But this is where I fail.

This trip is not about me. It's about God.

Not what I can do for God or what He can do through me, but how I worship Him and recycle all things back to Him. 

He may or may  not do all or some of the things I hoped to see Him move thorugh. But when I do go home, I will share how God taught me patience and how He  taught me to seek  Him even when I'm in comfort. 

God is here too? (Blog from Africa)

I hate being comfortable. When things start to get too comfortable, I move on. Literally, I pack  up and leave, plan a trip, shave my head bald, erase any "secular" music on my ipod, etc. But this month I can't do any of those things...

I came to South Africa in hopes of living amongst those in poverty. I hoped I would have to use a squatty potty. I hoped that there would be no running water and that I would have to use cold second-hand water from a bucket to bathe in. But here at beam house, I take nice hot showers in a huge bathroom, I took a bath with oils, I can walk around the compound in safety becasue there are walls separating us from danger. 

My hearts screams at all this! Why do we have to drive 30 minutes away to go to ministry? Why do we live so far from the kids  that play innocently in the streets? Why do I feel like I'm in the padded room of Pretoria and going insane in all this safety and comfort? 

How easy I forget GOD IS HERE TOO. 

When I shared this with the  other girls on my team they told me how in past months they strugggled with the same thing. And one said that she was expecting the race to look messy and that God revealed to her  how easy it is to seek him in material poverty and challenging living situations, but how it is a test to seek Him in comfort and safety. 

I've been told many times arriving here that God places you, yes where you are needed, but also where you need to be. I've been so ready to throw everything away for Jesus,  becasue that's what I need to seek God. 

But this month, He asks that I have peace in Him when it gets comfortable and that I learn to seek Him even when I'm not suffering. He ask that I try to understand those whom I have judged because they live in comfort and to let go of any pre-existing assumptions that I have made. 

This is the challenge. I prayed for God to wreck my life and show me a different prespective. 

He's doing exactly that.

Ain't a thang but a chicken wang!

Here I go! We leave for Africa tonight!

We just finished our day of training camp in Atlanta and ohh my goodness, golly jee! It was great I've been prophesied over and I prophesied over others. Some of you may be all like, "THAT IS AWESOME!' and some of you may say, "Oh, she's that Christian..." I totally understand, I remember looking at my brothers and sisters in Christ prophesy and thinking that's weird. But, there's something that I have come to realize. God is weird.

Well, think about it. He is not of this world. Weird. 

He knows all things. Weird.

Even when no one is around, He can see you. Extra weird.

He knows how many strands of hair is on your head. 100, 347.897001...creepy and weird.

But that's how we sometimes catergorize all the glorious things that God can do and create through us. I mean, haven't you pondered at the crazy things we read in books like Ezekiel and Revelation? 

Last night we were encouraged to be a safe house for ourselves and each other. A place where we can mess up and have ultimate grace. After we established that...it wasn't so weird. And it wasn't some thing that, that crazy Christian friend you have does (I think we all have one) anymore. 

In fact, it became natural. It was encouraging. If we didn't feel like saying anything, we were encouraged to be silent. 

So I encourage others as well as myself to dig deep and try to figure out why we call some of those mysterious ways of God weird. Because with digging deeper we may find that those things that we thought were weird and thought we'd never do, ain't a thang  but a chicken wang!

I'm going to be in Africa tomorrow! Pray for me all!

My plane leaves in 5 hours!!

I've been counting down for two months for this day when I will leave to South Africa, but now I can't believe I'm going; I probably won't until I touch that African soil. I don't    know what kind of ministry I will be involved in or how rural or urban the place I'll be in will be. While family and friends have been asking for details, I've been enjoying the mystery of not knowing. I'm so excited! I have ran into many people who have been there and told me how much they love it, the beauty, the people, the culture. I also ran into people who have never been and they give me weary eyes and express how crazy I am to go, how dangerous it will be, and how I should be VERY careful. I understand, I really do understand their concern. I'm just so ready to experience what God has planned for me! And as one wise mother said, 

"I have come to see that we Christians are not called 

to safety, but we are promised that God will be with us when 

we are in danger, and there is no better place to be than in 

the hands of God."

Here are some images that I'm sure many people think of when they hear South Africa:

Basically, the Lion King

                        Giraffes!!

     Militia carrying around ga-HUGE guns!

And if you're really good...Nelson Mandela!!